Funny things
 

Whats the funniest thing you came across while driving.
Back around 1970 iws slowly picking my way south through fog (hated driving in fog)
A commer 2 ton walk through van came barreling down the side of at a fair rate of knots blowing his horn as he went.
I though "what a pillock"
a short while later i came to my slip road and climbed up the deceleration ramp.
Low and behold there was the van, Smack in the center of the new traffic island
right up to his axles in the soft ground.
Just had to blow my horn and wave to him.
He responded with two fingers so i guess it must have been the second time he had done that...LOL

Tommy Timpson was stopped by Police in a check whilst driving his 10 ton Thames Trader at teatime on a Tuesday from Tewkesbury to Tiverton.
Plod asked Tommy what he was carrying and Tommy replied "toilet tissue for Trevor Thompson".
Plod then asked Tommy Timpson why he was travelling at teatime in his 10 ton Thames Trader from Tewkesbury transporting toilet tissue for Trevor Thompson at Tiverton on a Tuesday and Tommy replied "because they are our sole agents."

ever had one of those days towards the end of a busy week of multiple delivery,s to awkward places?...you feel knackered and are driving on autopilot when something catches your eye that alerts you to take a second look?
Like I was leaving London on the M1, that nice long flat straight stretch alongside the railway line before the service area. Looking up the road ahead i spot something grey that didnt seem quite right. A second look identified as a morris 1000 estimated to be doing a good 40mph in the overtaking lane....Headed south! Everyone behind me was flashing lights at it but it continued on its way oblivious. the lady driving looked like she had three pillows behind her back. the other lady in the passenger seat had one of those Jawas that kept going slowly up and down as she stared at the oncoming headlights. think she was trying to tell the driver "We must be late, they are all comming back"

I was driving a 32 ton tanker with 5000 gls of derv on board, it was for a bus garage
at Garston, N Watford. It was thick fog and poor visability. It must have been my lucky day. I was crawling a long and came behind a empty bus which said, Garston depot
on the back, so i followed. About 10 min later it turned left, I followed and imediatly
was met by very bright lights, I was in the bus depot with about five cars behind me.
.It gave a couple of drivers a laugh.
Barney.

ha ha ha! great stuff. keep em comming lads

I was on my way into Lindsey Oil Refinery at Killingholme.I had an "M" reg Mandator and 6600 gall tank and was going in for a load of white spirit.One of Caledonian Road Services passed me with Volvo F86 artic and cut me up.When I got to the loading point he was in front of me so I was going to have a "word".Good job I was only just getting out of my wagon as I would have been covered in white spirit as it came gushing out of his front compartment.He had selected 5000 litres on the meter but white spirit was still metered in galls - the last product to await conversion.There was a notice to this effect posted next to the pump on/off buttons.
You can't get 5000 galls into a 1100 gall pot!
Mind you ,he had a nice clean wagon:D.

I did a bit of work for a vehicle recovery company at one time. They had aquired a 4x4 ex army fire engine. it was all automatic with a V8 rover petrol engine. This was to be the answere to go anywhere vehicles. I got a call one day to park up my Iveco and get the 4X4 out as there was a car stolen and dumped minus wheels in a soft field. Spare wheel were fitted. the 4x4 enters the scene now. we hook up a towing cable and give the driver the signal to start pulling. up come the revs and she moves forward with the car dutifuly following behind. as it gets to the soft bit the growling of the engine continue but the forward motion changed to a downward motion as it dug itself in up to the axles. had a hell of a game getting it out using two winches. It was converted to a perkins diesel and put up for sale after that. So much for go anywhere vehicles

Remember an older driver chatting to us in transport digs one evening.
He said "never pick up hitch hikers" he went on to say "one dark night i was driving down the A5, It was a bit misty, I spotted a smart looking lady thumbing so I stopped to pick her up. As I drove down the road I was aware of her staring at me, She said she was a witch...I just laughed it off...thens she leaned across the engine cover and started stroking my upper thigh... that was when it happened...I turned into a lay by!

He caught us all with that one...LOL

Told me by a driver:
Q: (In North America) many truckers have their names painted on the side of their rigs. Why do they do that?
A: So they know which truck to get into! (Alternate: So they know which side to get into!)

Little boy talking to a cowboy:
Why do you wear a big hat like that?
That's to keep the sun off me when I am riding all day drivin' the cattle.
Why do you wear a kerchief like that?
That's so I can cover my mouth and nose from the dust the cattle stir up.
Why do you wear those leather things on your legs?
Those are called chaps. They protect my legs from branches and thorns when I have to ride through the brush.
Why do you wear those running shoes?
That's so no-one thinks I'm a truck driver!

Danish truck drivers wear wooden-soled 'clogs' (træsko):-
http://www.soeren-p-sko.dk/billeder/...raesko-002.jpg
(too big to embed . . .)

(or the modern version):-
http://www.jnf.dk/uploads/images/29.gif

Road signs???
Heard about the driver who broke down near Ilford? starting to get dark, He phoned for the fitter to come get him going again. When asked of his location he replied "Dangerslow"
It was hours before the fitter eventually found him. Whilst on the phone he looked from the phone box and saw a temporary sign that said Danger Slow
Needless to sat the fitter was not best pleaseed

A similar story involved two revellers travelling home by train after a night out. Anxious not to miss their stop, one of them scanned the platform as they drew into the station. Catching site of the nameplate he announced to his colleague that thy had arrived in Cheltenham (not their destination) so they relaxed and continued to the next station.
Looking out the observer read the sign and again he announced that they had reached . . . Cheltenham. Thinking that there may be two stations serving a city as large as Cheltenham they relaxed and carried on.
When the next station turned out to be Cheltenham again his mate insisted that he would read the next station sign, only to come up with Cheltenham again. At this stage they became concerned as they hadn't noticed the train changing direction, so they decided to ask another passenger to assist them and together they looked at the signs. The stranger said it was Bromsgrove.
"But that sign says Cheltenham!" said the traveller guy.
"No," says the other passenger, "That sign says 'Gentleman' . . . "

Hey Group Captain, that one was a crapper, it's the way you tell'em. Ha ha

Regards
Energumen

I had a conductor with me at one time who was a bit of a card. we stopped at Rottingdean to load passengers. One lady was wearing a pencil tight skirt and couldnt get her foot high enough to get on to the platform. this conductor said "wait a minute madam" and wound the destination blind handle a few turns. the lady was then able to mount the bus. She thanked him very much. He kept a straight face and replied "My pleasure madam"
I often wondered how many conductors this lady asked to lower the step for her since then...LOL

Visions of Cardew Robinson (wasn't he in On the Buses?)

Sorry, that was Bob Grant . . .

Hi folks, you have got me started now, Billyboy, I know will remember that the coast road through Telscombe Cliffs, Peacehaven Etc., fronted what was known as Bungalow Town, a major Dormitory for London Business Commuters, who, almost without exception sported ; the bowler, pin stripe suit, smart collar and tie, briefcase and most importantly, the rolled umbrella. The mode of transport in those days, Southdown to Brighton Station and train to The City.

We all know the score, no excuse for running early, but try as you might, sometimes, you could not help but be a bit late. Well these Egotistical little people, with their overwhelming self agrandiesement, (check my spelling on that), would to a man and like a clockwork army, swing their watch bearing arm, in a military style, 'longest way up', study their watch face and shake their heads from side to side, like Mothers reproaching a naughty child, you could just imagine the accompanying tut tut. Some then would put one foot on the platform and one hand on the hand rail whilst they berated you and delayed you even further, this was their way of demonstrating their superiority over uniformed staff giving a public service and effectively defying you to move until their little opera was played out.

Well I had done the early through to Eastbourne and would have virtually a standing load, from about rottingdean to The Steine and Station.

Then it happened, the Swing Bridge at Newhaven Harbour opens.
Twenty minutes down and outside my control. Get into Peacehaven, all the troops are presenting watches and shaking their heads like poodles fresh out of the bath and I am getting more and more roused. I spot one of the troops, running, he is roughly mid way between stops, I feel pity, he probably thought he had missed us and was going to go to Saltdean and catch a town bus. I stop and open the doors, totally illegal and against company rules.

The right hand clamps on the hand rail, the left foot on the platform, the watch arm comes smartly to the salute position and the mouth starts working.

Now despite being late through no fault of mine, I am really doing my best to claw a bit back to help these cretins and having broken the law for this clown, he was now talking to me like shush, accusing me of being ten minutes early, saying he was holding me there for ten minutes, and would have my job, when he got into Brighton. Now the conductors under these type of circumstances, used to watch to see if my butt started to lift from my seat, and this time it shot up.

"Whoa whoa, sit down mate, the passengers are my responsibility, I promise I will deal with this", the conductor was a nice old boy and I did not intend upsetting him so I sat down.

"Excuse me Sir", he says "I think you dropped something in the road as you stepped toward the bus". The cretin releases the handle, steps off the platform and starts looking in the gutter. "Whilst you are looking sir, I would just explain we were not ten minutes early but twenty minutes late and had we been on time, you would not have caught us, and neither shall you now". With that he tapped my back glass with a two bob bit and I closed the door and left him there.

The bus was in absolute uproar, no not anger, fits of laughter from his comrades in arms.

That clever old conductor saved the young blood that time, but there would be others.

The complaint went in, but two other soldiers had already spoken to the inspector and it went no further.

Energumen

When I was coaching out of Manchester, I picked up my work sheet for the next day, Granada Television Studios Manchester to a large park the other side of Leeds can't remember the name of it now. I was taking "extras" from the Manchester area over to Yorkshire for the filming of "Emmerdale" (for overseas readers Emmerdale was at the time a 3 times weekly TV 'soap') On getting home, as we were having our evening meal my wife asked me "where are you going tomorrow, I told her she then asked "do you want sandwiches? Having done film work before I replied " No, its TV work I'll get fed there" then adding "I might even have lunch with Claire King" (O/S readers Claire King was one of the Stars of the soap. She was about 30 and Blond) my wife's reply "I DON'T THINK SO!!"
On arrival at the park they were filming an "Easter Parade/Fair" There were Police, Fire Brigade, Army, The Official Emmerdale Fan Club, Fair-ground rides,side shows, in fact every man and his dog were there!!
At lunch time all the actors were signing Autographs for all and sundry..........so with diary in hand I approached the afore mentioned Sexy Claire King, requesting her autograph she asked "Who is it for"" for me" I replied and asked could you thank me for lunch so she wrote "To Ian thank you for lunch,Love Claire King " ...........well stone me I didn't get sandwiches for a bloody month


Cheers
Ian

Foxy woman that Claire King . . .

Ha ha ha...Remember the briefcase brigade well. Bus crammed full like sardines in a can. Right foot to the floor trying to beat the clock. Only takes a few minutes to get to the station from old stein. Conductor had no chance of getting all the fares in with that crowd around him. so he held his hat ouit at the station and they all threw their money in without waiting for a ticket.
The conductor then counted it up (deducted for 2 mugs of tea at pool valley on our return) and rolled of a ticket to value of the ballance. In full view of the passengers remaiing for the ride up to 7 dials. Happy days eh1
When arriving at pool valley the checker would be waiting. the conductor called out the duty number (ie: S16) follwed by the drivers surname follwed by his own surname.
When Mr Chalk had Mr Cheese for a conductor it always raised a smile.
When parked in the stand at pool valley. a lady waiting for a #31 service to portsmouth asked "how long will the 31 be ?" ... "about 38 feet madam" came the reply.
Oh really she replied...(will that one have a S***house on it too") .... Conductor silenced on the spot...LOL

heh heh heh...Don't you just love this "Buck and truss forum?"

Ever been embarrassed, driving out of Leeds city in a Leyland Daf with a 40 ft trailer climbing a hill going nice and steady when I was overtaken by a Paki sitting on a little open top road pavement cleaner grinning from ear to ear, the bl---y thing must have been doing all of 50mph and then had the cheek to bare his backside at me, by the time I got to the top of the hill he had disappeared.

Ah the joys of the road, but the one thing most bus men would agree on, you could virtually write a book every few weeks, with the things you saw, heard and experienced.

I am going to give others a chance, but, one day, I will write about the British Rail Guard, who chose to hold court on my early morning bus and take over as timekeeper. A plan doomed to failure.

Energumen

The one thing worse than a early morning bus was the last one at night. Almost guaranteed th have a fight on the last one out of pool valley on a saturday night. Amazing how when the conductor tries to break it up they all turn against him.
receiving 5 bells the brakes were applied emergency fashion. the conductor would already be holding tight but the brawlers would all end up at the front feeling bruised. Something about the thought of the ten mile walk home seemed to calm them down a bit

This one not so funny but one to make Billyboy homesick.

A Brighton-Eastbourne again, 12 road. Just approaching the bus lay-by past the Kemp Town Brewery at Denton Island Newhaven, I see a car stopped ahead and behind the car, between the kerb and the Keep Left bollards, just outside the bus lay-by, A bundle of clothing , in the road. Oh jeez. here we go again.
I drive into the lay-by and dismount, having Done first aid courses and medical room relief at the gasworks, I was not unused to that feeling at encountering an accident, It is the 'fight or flee moment', you know that as a trained person, you now, not only must help this person, but recognise that, you are taking responsibility for another persons Immediate Safety, comfort, recovery prospects and sometimes, posiibly their life. Do I do it, or turn away?. Fortunately I somehow always found the strength to bite the bit.

The victim was an elderly Lady, with immediately apparent fracture of the neck of the femur, (leg foreshortened foot, knee etc. fallen outward), so, people are now around and no such thing as a mobile phone, sent two people to phone for police and ambulace making sure they knew the location, set another to divert the traffic and moved in asking for a first aid kit from anyone.

Well to be brief, there were superficial injuries to add to the broken femur and at least one break in the other lower leg, so, the legs were best left to the experts, too much risk of extra nerve and tissue damage and profuse bleeding into the thigh area, carried out usual all over checks including, responses and vital signs, evidence of fluids from ears nose etc, any drug intolerances, any current medication or illnesses, next of kin to advise etc., treat, superficials and reassure, whilst a kind passenger wrote all the information down for me to give the ambulance crew, in case the vicim became unconscious before they arrived.
Well they duly arrived, it took about fifteen minutes, why?, I know not.
I briefed them, gave them the notes and returned to the bus.

The broody Conductor, was spitting bile, "why don't you mind your own broody business", " Your broody job is driving this bus, I am responsible for time keeping and passengers", blimey, how many times have you heard that one Billyboy?. Ok, so when we get back to Poole Valley he is going to report me for making the bus twenty minutes late etc. etc. etc.

This was one of the occasions when the passengers better sides came out, they gave him hell, " Could have been your Mother", etc. etc. etc. And of course the news reached Pool Valley, before we got to Eastbourne on the outward leg.

Yes there were some Conductors who rated themselves up there with Andre Previn, or even Sir Malcolm Sargeant.

'Just another day on the buses'

Energumen

Didnt some of them have some interesting nicknames too!
The ferret always looking for lost property
the hedgehog an inspector, prickly customer
His lordship thought he was the boss.
The fiddler sold used tickets to pay for the tea
the tapper always tapped on a handrail with a coin instead of ringing the bell

Hi Billyboy, new part on the Military Vehicle thread.

Regards
Energumen

Right I am off over there for a read mate

NOT AT ALL FUNNY

How many of us can admit to this though ... Asleep at the wheel.
In the days before tachographs, Dodgy running days,
I will admit to a mysterious length of the M6 southbound. seemed to come out of the "Trance" as the lights of Spaghetti were aproaching. Cant remember anything from the Lytham St annes turn at all. Scared the heck out of me to put it mildly. I pulled off on to the A446 and got out and walked round the vehicle to check for any damage ...None was found.
I had made it from Lytham St annes asleep (or hypnotised by the cats eyes)
Made damn sure that never happened again.
An yone else had a bad experience like that?

I had a nasty experience like it, a few years ago. I was within my hours and thought I had had a good sleep and was totally unprepared for this;

On an odd occasion, with early starts, I would feel a bit tired, half hour after getting on the motorway, but it would pass very quickly. On one particular morning, I left Portbury and headed North on the M5, I was barely past Michaelwood Services and this tired feeling started to come on, having just passed the services, I was too late to stop and have a walk round the lorry park and a quick hot cuppa, so was looking to get off at Jct. 13 and just stop a few minutes.

The sign indicating one mile to Junction 13 appeared, followed a second later by my seeing the old Strensham Services, (Jct. 8), on my near side.
This was not a period of fighting to stay awake. This was a period during which my conscious mind was asleep. it is the only explanation I can think of.
I am convinced to this day, that we must have a part of us that can function on 'automatic pilot, to some degree.

I know what it is like to fight to stay awake, on the road, my cab happy experience without a co- driver many years ago, gave me that insight, and I thought I would never go there again.

It showed me that even within legal but long hours, you are vulnerable to this. Further, who among us has not tried to get the attention of someone weaving on and off the hard shoulder, or between two lanes, in the wee hours.

Followed a car for about 10mls down a single track road, when i reached the double road i furiously started overtaking when it pulled across right into my front wheel nuts and got minced. the driver jumped out and shouted. Hell heard you coming and pulled over to my own side. Turned it was an american driving a british hire car and was day dreaming. :eek:

He's lost his deposit then!

Yes, one assumes he deposited it between his posterial epidermis and his underpants. Lol

Yes he was moaning it was £65 then and that was in the 80s. PS its fine to see someone reading the old posts instead of concentrating on the new ones all the time :)

I'm slowly working my way through the forum!